The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
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The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?