Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.