THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
You Might Also Like
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
who wore it better?
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.