Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
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Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
We found love in a hopeless place.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Said the murderer.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.