[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
How to woo a woman
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
😏😏😏
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Denise please return my vape pen
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs