*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Monday
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old