9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
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If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.