Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
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I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
How does one answer this?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same