Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
You Might Also Like
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
This could be us but you eatin’
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.