My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Things will get butter, keep churning
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES