It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
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I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes