My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard