Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
mechanics be like
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
much to think about
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.