Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
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You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.