So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
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Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
For anyone who needs this today
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
“I wouldn’t.”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.