I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
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My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
thanks auntie mary
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?