my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
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A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
welp
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
whatcha thinkin bout
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE