tourist season
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Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?