[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences