People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
You Might Also Like
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.