My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
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I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
do horses think humans are hats
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very