[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
not for long
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Just a friendly reminder!
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
is it earth
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.