Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
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Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)