Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
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My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.