The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
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If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan