I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
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There is wisdom there.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something