I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
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Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Friday
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought