When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
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My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding