I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.