*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.