I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
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The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband: