Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
You Might Also Like
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.