The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
You Might Also Like
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
man: wait
time: no
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl