me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
You Might Also Like
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Bringing home a sharpie
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
That’s not how days work.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste