Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
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To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.