Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
“and how does that make you feel?”
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.