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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
what’s more important?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.