Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
pelicons
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I feel seen
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
My current situation
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.