Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
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Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Woke up against my better judgment again
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets