I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
(True)
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.