I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
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the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
i choose….tongue
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
shut up and take my money
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.