If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
You Might Also Like
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples