I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
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So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
an airline just for babies.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!