Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
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He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.