When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?