i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
That lamp looks PISSED.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.