nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
this is literally a CIA plant
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?