“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.