“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Never go to sleep after making me angry
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO