I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Why is this me 😫
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.